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Insights for High Stress Professions

Tactical Transparency: A tool for building trust and psychological safety

10/26/2023

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Picture
Photo Credit photobyphotoboy
Having access to specific information is crucial for people to make informed decisions and carry out their responsibilities competently.  Too much information can be overwhelming or superfluous, and certain types of information can cause problems.  It’s challenging to know the right amount of transparency to provide in various situations.  ​
When Silence is Golden
Some information can’t be shared.  It may be classified, inappropriate, or illegal to share (for example, people on your team experiencing disabilities).  

Some information doesn't need to be shared.  Candid feedback that doesn’t focus on behaviors or ways to improve performance isn’t helpful or welcome (think feedback about someone’s voice, appearance, or personality).  Not everything on your mind needs to be shared.  

Information that does not provide clarity or help in making informed decisions may not need to be shared.  Information that people can’t take productive action on yet may not need to be shared yet.  

Tactical Transparency In Action
Effective transparency hinges on its ability to provide clarity, empower informed decision-making, and help people feel secure by knowing what to expect.  Finding the right levels and methods of transparent communication will likely take some trial and error. 

​Once you figure it out, it may shift as the psychological safety on your team increases.  Here are some opportunities for you to increase transparency:


1. Provide insight into strategic vision and goals
  • This empowers team members to align their efforts with overarching goals, fostering a sense of purpose and direction.
2. Show people the impact of their work on the team, organization, community
  • This empowers people to see the different their effort is making
​3. Ensure people know the benchmarks and performance metrics important to their role
  • This enables team members to gauge their progress and contribute meaningfully to the collective success.
​4. Provide clarity on how decisions are made (especially assignments, promotions, and raises)
  • A transparent framework demystifies the process, fostering a culture of fairness and trust.
​5. Establish clear protocols for addressing preventable errors and failures.  
  • The objective is not to revel in others' missteps, but to provide a predictable course of action in case of recurrence. This clarity ensures accountability without eroding psychological safety.
6. Admit when you make mistakes.  
  • This humanizes leadership, demonstrating humility, and fosters a commitment to continual improvement. This vulnerability can catalyze a culture of openness and mutual learning.

Tactical transparency is an invaluable tool in nurturing trust and psychological safety within any team or organization. By providing clarity, leaders can foster an environment where informed decision-making thrives. As you navigate this terrain, remember that transparency is not a static concept—it's a dynamic force that adapts and grows alongside the evolving dynamics of your team. Embrace it, refine it, and watch as it becomes a cornerstone of your organizational culture.

References
Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. Random House.

Edmondson, A. C. (2018). The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth. John Wiley & Sons.​
For more articles about building psychological safety, check out my series here:

Integrity in Action: Building trust and psychological safety in the small moments
​Flipping the Script: Language Shifts for Building Trust and Psychological Safety
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Flipping the Script: Language Shifts for Building Trust and Psychological Safety

10/25/2023

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Picture
Photo credit Dean Drobot
What is psychological safety and why is it important?

“Psychological safety exists when people feel their workplace is an environment where they can speak up, offer ideas and ask questions without fear of being punished or embarrassed.”

This means when psychological safety exists in a team, we see people being comfortable speaking up, being themselves, admitting mistakes, and offering honest feedback.  We see all ideas and options considered, expertise rise above ego, calculated risk-taking, and honest, authentic, and transparent interactions.  

We see increased innovation and learning because people are more willing to try things out and learn from mistakes.  We see increased reporting of mistakes and increased quality of work because people aren’t afraid to speak up if something went wrong.  We see less burnout because people feel safe having conversations around how they’re doing, the workload and pressure of the job, and the resources they need (leadership support, development opportunities, feedback, etc.) to do their job without burning out.  

There are many things we can do to increase psychological safety on a team.  See additional articles at the bottom of this post.  
Here, I want to focus on how subtle shifts in our language can build trust and boost psychological safety.

Humble Curiosity
You set the tone for how safe it is to share information with you.  We can build trust and psychological safety by reducing our defensiveness and increasing our curiosity.  Humble curiosity is a helpful tool for reducing defensiveness and increasing our receptivity to new information.  

Here are some “sentence starters” to invite participation and feedback through humble curiosity: 
  • Help me understand _________?
  • I’m not an expert on this, please explain _______?
  • I may have missed something; can you walk me though _______?
  • What are we missing?
  • What would dissenters say?

Reframes
Words have meaning and their meanings have impacts.  Some words have a “charge” that can leave people feeling anxious or defensive.  Reframing our words can change the impact and energy around what we are doing.  

  • “Study” instead of “Investigation”
  • “Accident” or “failure” instead of “error”
  • “Failure occurred within a complex system” instead of “incompetence”
​
Examining Types of Failure
Amy Edmonson describes three types of failures in her book The Fearless Organization. By classifying failures, we can better understand how to handle them.  

Preventable failures (not to be celebrated)
Preventable failures are failures that could have been prevented by someone following correct policy and procedures, or simply having established policies and procedures.  

  • If there is a clear policy and procedure in place, and someone knew better and did it anyway, there should be clear and transparent sanctions and accountability measures for their behavior.  
  • If there is a clear policy and procedure in place, but it wasn’t communicated, this is a learning opportunity for us to ensure people understand the policies and procedures correctly.
  • If there was no clear policy and procedure in place that was violated, then this is a learning opportunity for us to establish a clear policy and procedure.    

Complex failures
Complex failures occur when multiple factors contribute to multiple points of failure.  Think of the  sinking of the Titanic, or the challenges faced on the Apollo 13 mission.  

When we experience a complex failure, it’s hard to assign responsibility to just one person or team.  While hindsight is 20/20, this perfect storm couldn't have been foreseen or predicted, so what happened wasn’t really preventable.  

With a complex failure, we want to anticipate and mitigate.  Shine a light on things when they go wrong, report concerns, and take steps to repair or reduce the damage of mistakes.  Afterward, we can mine this failure for many learning opportunities.  

Intelligent Failures
Intelligent failures are praiseworthy failures.  These help us learn and drive innovation.  Intelligent failures occur when we take a calculated risk, and it doesn’t work out.  

Intelligent failures provide us the opportunity to test hypotheses and gain new insight.  They give us a chance to acknowledge and mitigate risk before trying this new thing.  ​

Establishing psychological safety within a team is critical for fostering an environment where individuals can freely express themselves, share ideas, and seek clarification without fear of reprisal. This dynamic allows for authenticity, the acknowledgment of mistakes, and the offering of candid feedback. With psychological safety, we witness a surge in innovation, higher quality work, and a deeper commitment to learning from our missteps. 

References
Davis, P. (date). Building A Resilient Legal Team Starts With This Skill.  The Stress and Resilience Institute.  https://stressandresilience.com/building-a-resilient-legal-team-starts-with-this-skill/ 
​

Edmondson, A. C. (2018). The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth. John Wiley & Sons.

For more articles about building psychological safety, check out my series here:

​
Integrity in Action: Building trust and psychological safety in the small moments
Tactical Transparency: A tool for building trust and psychological safety
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Integrity in Action: Building trust and psychological safety in the small moments

10/24/2023

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Trust is built in the small moments. Each interaction creates an opportunity to add marbles to the jar, building trust, or take marbles from the jar.   Brene Brown’s metaphor of the marble jar serves as a tangible gauge of accumulated trust over time. It encourages us to view every interaction as an opportunity to fortify or potentially weaken the trust we share.

Trust and psychological safety are intertwined.  When we lack psychological safety, we lack a sense of belonging, a sense that people care what we have to say, and a trust that things are handled in fair and accountable ways.  When we lack trust, we can’t really build psychological safety.

To build trust and demonstrate integrity, we need to do what we say we are going to do, and we need to rebuild trust when we fail to do what we say we are going to do.
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Photo Credit SrdjanPav ​
Keeping Your Word
While seemingly straightforward, adhering to this principle can be challenging. Do what you said you were going to do.  Keep Your Word.

Every time you keep your word, you add marbles to the jar.  Every time you don’t, you break trust and take marbles from the jar.  

When You Fail To Keep Your Word
Sometimes things come up, information is missed, estimates are incorrect, and circumstances change.  This is part of living in the world as a human and with other humans.  

If we consistently fall short of doing what we said we would do, we need to reevaluate our priorities and get more realistic on what we promise others.  On the occasion we don’t meet the marks we set, here are some things we can do to maintain and build trust:

Take Accountability
Owning up to our mistakes is an act of courage and integrity. It entails refraining from assigning blame elsewhere and taking responsibility for our actions. If appropriate, apologize for your mistake and the negative impact it had on others.  

Notify Early and Often
If something comes up and you know you can’t follow through on your promise, let the appropriate people know as soon as possible. Addressing challenges promptly enables more effective problem-solving.

The Power of the Do-Over
Arguably, the most potent tool in the psychological safety toolbox is the "Do-Over." Mistakes are inevitable, but how we respond is critical. This opportunity allows for acknowledgment of missteps and a chance to rectify them.

Picture a scenario where someone inadvertently stifled your contributions in a meeting. Now, envision them pausing to reflect, saying, "I realize I unintentionally steamrolled your ideas. May I have a do-over?" This demonstrates they are paying attention and are making genuine commitment to improvement. This action is still impactful if the realization dawns later in the day, prompting their return to acknowledge their oversight and seek your input.

So, when faced with feedback that triggers defensiveness, when a trusted colleague shares when you handled something poorly, or when frustration prevents you from choosing better responses, remember to pause, take a breath, and request a do-over. This simple act can be transformative in rebuilding trust and nurturing psychological safety.

As we navigate difficult situations, remember that every act of accountability, every honest conversation, and every do-over contributes to the cultivation of trust and psychological safety. These acts hold transformative potential in rebuilding trust and nurturing psychological safety within our teams and relationships.
​

References


Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. Random House.

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Penguin Random House.

Edmondson, A. C. (2018). The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth. John Wiley & Sons.
For more articles about building psychological safety, check out my series here:
Flipping the Script: Language Shifts for Building Trust and Psychological Safety
​Tactical Transparency: A tool for building trust and psychological safety

​
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From Guilt to Grace: Navigating the weight of guilt in boundary setting.

10/20/2023

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When talking about boundaries, I’m often asked how to avoid feeling guilty for setting boundaries.  Unfortunately the answer is you can’t.  When we set boundaries, we are most likely going to feel guilt.  That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t set healthy boundaries; it means we need to learn to get comfortable navigating the experience of guilt.  ​
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Photo Credit: Ryan Moreno
Why Do We Need to Set Boundaries? 
Healthy boundaries are essential to a balanced and productive life.  Boundaries protect your physical, mental, and emotional resources from being drained by others and circumstances, which allows you to spend those resources in ways more aligned with your priorities.  When we struggle to set boundaries, we often feel drained, resentful, and unappreciated for all the (often invisible) effort we put in.  

Often, we avoid setting boundaries because it makes us feel selfish or guilty.  Like we are bad people for having needs.  We were raised (in family systems and in society) to believe we need to give our all, all of the time, to everyone and everything else.  This leads us to experience a lot of negative emotions when we try to start setting healthy boundaries in our lives.  We can’t avoid that experience.  We need to learn to get more comfortable with that.  

Choose your hard: learn to weather the negative emotions of guilt and shame we experience by setting and holding healthy boundaries, or continue to weather the negative emotions of exhaustion and resentment by not setting and holding healthy boundaries.  

Let’s explore how to navigate the negative emotional experience of setting boundaries.  First, name what you’re feeling.  

Are we experiencing Guilt or Shame?
We feel shame when we feel unworthy or that we didn't measure up.  The focus is on us as a human, parent, employee, friend, etc.  We attribute flaws to ourselves as a human rather than to the behavior we engaged in.  
  • I’m a bad ________ because ____________
  • I’m a bad mom if I don’t
  • I’m a bad partner if
  • I’m a bad employee if

We feel guilt when we do something bad.  The focus is on the behavior, and the resulting discomfort encourages us to atone, make amends, and do better in the future.
  • I hurt their feelings when I said this.  I can apologize and make amends. 
  • I need to spend more time with my family, but I also need sleep.  I can plan for ways to spend more quality time with my family.
  • I really dropped the ball on this project.  I’ve been having a hard time lately.  I can talk to my team and ask for support.  

With shame, we feel bad, and there’s nothing we can do about it (if the problem is you’re a bad ____, it’s not really fixable).  WIth guilt, we feel bad, and there’s something we can do about it (we made a mistake and can choose differently next time).  

Navigating Shame
We tend to experience shame more when we have perfectionist tendencies that are driven by what others think about us or how we measure up.  

Oftentimes when we feel guilty for setting healthy boundaries, we may actually be experiencing shame.  Pay attention to the way you’re talking to yourself and describing the situation.  

  • Recognize when you’re feeling shame
  • Reality check the expectations driving your shame.  Are those expectations actually reasonable or attainable?  Were they clearly discussed and established or are they based on assumptions?
  • Reach out to trusted friends.  
  • Speak up and advocate for what you need (speak your boundaries)


Navigating Guilt
First off, you’re not doing anything wrong by needing healthy boundaries and advocating for yourself to set and hold them.  When you hold boundaries, you are saying your needs matter as much as their needs.  You don’t need to apologize for having needs and setting boundaries to protect your physical, mental, and emotional resources.  

Unpack Guilt
  • Who has been hurt?  Does anything need to be made right?  Accept responsibility for choices you made and take ownership for reasonable expectations you have control over.  

Weathering the Feels
  1. Name what you’re feeling.  
  2. Your emotions are your side of the street (your responsibility to manage).  Their emotions are their side of the street (their responsibility to manage).  
  3. Emotions don’t last as long as we think they will.  Ride the wave.
  4. Create space to process the emotion.  Journal, doodle, color, go for a walk.  
  5. Create space for the emotion and complete the stress cycle (this allows your body to process the physiological energy and intesity of the emotion)
    1. Move your body (walk or dance)
    2. Breathe
    3. Laugh
    4. Cry
    5. Physical affection
    6. Positive interaction
    7. Creativity (doodle, journal, etc)

Navigating the complex terrain of guilt in boundary-setting is an essential aspect of maintaining a balanced and fulfilling life. It's crucial to understand that feeling guilty when setting boundaries is a natural response, and it doesn't diminish the importance of establishing healthy limits. Instead, it highlights the need to become comfortable with this experience.

​References

Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. Random House.
Cole, T. (2021). Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free. Sounds True.
Fosslien, L. (2022). Big Feelings. Penguin Life.
McLaren, K. (2013). The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You. Sounds True.
Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. Ballantine Books.
Tawwab, N. (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. TarcherPerigee.

Check out my the rest of the posts in my series on Boundaries

Firm Foundations: Exploring Various Types of Personal Boundaries
The Silent Language: What Your Boundaries (or Lack Thereof) Say​
​Respecting Your Space: The Art of Boundary Communication
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Respecting Your Space: The Art of Boundary Communication

10/19/2023

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Setting boundaries is hard.  Communicating boundaries is hard.  Holding boundaries is hard.  Let’s explore how to feel more skilled at navigating the hard. 
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Photo Credit: Therdman ​
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Some boundaries need to be explicitly communicated with others.  Some don’t.  

If you’re going to start making yourself unavailable after work hours, just start making yourself unavailable after work hours.  Stop checking your emails, silence or disable notifications, delete apps.  

If you're going to start only doing the care tasks that you have the bandwidth for, just start doing the care tasks you have bandwidth for.  

If you’re going to start shooting for 80-90% effort rather than 100+% effort, just start working at 80-90% effort.  

If you’re going to start taking time away from your workstation for lunch, just start getting away from your workstation for lunch.  

It’s entirely possible others won’t notice the change, but you’ll start to feel the difference from protecting your bandwidth.  

Keep it Simple
When communicating your boundary, you don’t need to justify yourself.  You don’t need the other person to understand all the things that led up to you needing to set this boundary (I get that it feels like you do, but you don’t).  
  • “I’m going to take some time to myself right now.  I’ll be available when the timer goes off.”
  • “I’m working on a high focus project until 2pm.  If you need support before then, contact ______.”
  • “I’ll get to this within my normal working hours.”

Graceful Refusals: Navigating the 'No'
Part of boundary setting is really paying attention to what you say yes to and what you say no to.  No is a muscle that has atrophied in many of us, but it’s still there and we can strengthen it again.  Here are some exercises to strengthen your “No” muscle.

1. Pause.  
  • We often have an auto-yes to any request.  Pausing allows you to take time to consider what you may be saying yes to.  
2. Let me check with (partner, calendar, bandwidth) and get back to you.  
  • This extends the pause and lets you check with other entities to see if a yes is feasible and reasonable.  
3. Yes, now what should I deprioritize?  
  • This allows you to protect your bandwidth by redistributing your priorities.
4. You are welcome to _____, I am willing to _____.  (For example, you are welcome to schedule a meeting at 2 pm today, I’ll follow up with the meeting notes when I’m available.)
  • This allows you to protect your schedule and bandwidth and not have to rearrange things.  If you must attend, it gives them an opportunity to find a time that works better for you.

Holding the line: Protecting Your Boundaries
A fact of human nature and boundaries is that we are going to test boundaries.  It’s important to remember when we set boundaries that they are going to be tested.  It’s helpful to remember this isn’t usually malicious, and often it’s not even intentional.  We are used to behaving in certain ways and it’s hard to break those patterns.  

It is your responsibility to set your boundaries and it’s your responsibility to reinforce and uphold your boundaries.  

Consistency is Key

Some boundaries may be rigid boundaries; there is no flex.  An example of a rigid boundary with a toddler is “it’s okay for you to be upset, it’s not okay for you to hit me when you’re upset.”

Some boundaries may be flexible.  There is a reasonable amount of flex based on specific circumstances.  This flexibility should be determined ahead of time.  An example of a flexible boundary may be “I won’t be checking my email and am unavailable for any work related concerns while on vacation.  Unless it is X or Y, then call me.”  For this example, you are predetermining a SHORT list of acceptable reasons to contact you on vacation, and sharing the acceptable method of contacting you regarding that issue.  

What we don’t want are porous boundaries.  Porous boundaries are boundaries we set but don’t consistently hold.  For example, let’s say you’ve shared with a colleague that you won’t want to hear them joke about certain topics.  Then they do it again, and you don’t say anything.  They do it again, and you leave the room.  They do it again, and you are so frustrated you blow up at them.  Then they do it again, and you don’t say anything.  In this example, you set a boundary, but weren’t consistent in how you responded when the boundary was violated.  

When you set porous boundaries, you are sending the message that your boundary isn’t really important, and neither are your concerns and needs.  

Natural and Logical Consequences
When we don’t set boundaries, or have porous boundaries, we are protecting people from feeling the consequences of their own actions.  Also, when we start to set boundaries, we may be tempted to manufacture consequences or punishments (you didn’t do what I told you to do, so now you can’t go out with your friends).  Natural and logical consequences are the best options for growth and learning.  

When you’ve set a boundary around how you want to be spoken to during a discussion and they continue to yell and escalate: “I’ll come back to the room when you’re ready to talk about this calmly.”

When you’ve asked for direction on how to redistribute the tasks on your plate and received no guidance: make a judgment call on what can be done on a different day and what can be done to a different standard.  ​

Mastering the art of boundary communication is an integral part of nurturing a healthy and balanced life. While it may seem challenging, it's important to recognize that setting, communicating, and upholding boundaries are skills that can be developed over time.
Actions often speak louder than words when it comes to boundary-setting. Sometimes, implementing the change you desire is as simple as making a conscious shift in your behavior. Whether it's reclaiming your after-work hours or focusing on tasks that align with your bandwidth, taking action empowers you to protect your precious resources.

References
Cole, T. (2021). Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free. Sounds True.
Davis, K.C. (2022). How to Keep House While Drowning. Simon Element.
McKeown, G. (2014). Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. Crown Business.
Tawwab, N. (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. TarcherPerigee.

Want more on boundaries?  Read the rest of the articles in my series on boundaries. 

Firm Foundations: Exploring Various Types of Personal Boundaries
​
The Silent Language: What Your Boundaries (or Lack Thereof) Say​
​From Guilt to Grace: Navigating the weight of guilt in boundary setting.
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The Silent Language: What Your Boundaries (or Lack Thereof) Say

10/18/2023

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What are boundaries?
Boundaries are a list of what’s okay and what’s not okay.   Boundaries are the dividing line between what you will tolerate and what you will not.  
Boundaries are the limits we set that protect our physical, mental, and emotional resources.  They allow us to protect our priorities and get things done while ensuring our own needs are met.  
See my blog article Firm Foundations for examples of boundaries we can set. 
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Photo Credit: Tais Bernabé

Who benefits from your lack of boundaries?

We can set firm, flexible, and healthy boundaries.  We can set no boundaries.  We can also set porous boundaries.  This is when we try to set a limit but don't hold or enforce it consistently.  Think of any time you’ve tried to impose a new rule for kids to follow.  If you don’t stay consistent in enforcing that rule, they learn it’s not really a rule.  

“Who benefits from your lack of boundaries” is a tricky question.  At first, it seems like the answer is EVERYONE ELSE.  Everyone in your life is benefitting from you not holding healthy boundaries.  Your employer, your team members, your families.  But when you dig deeper, it’s really not clear.  

On the surface, you may feel you’re benefiting by not having to “do the hard thing,” but then you’re suffering from burnout and exhaustion and resentment.  This is harder and lasts longer.

You may feel your workplace is benefitting because you’re doing the work of many people, but then you’re burning out which lowers productivity and negatively affects the bottom line.  

You may feel your families are benefitting because you’re taking care of so much and they don’t have to, but they’re missing out on an actual connection with you.  You’re exhausted and resentful, and your needs aren’t getting met, but you keep trying to pour from an empty cup.  You’re shielding them from the consequences of their own behaviors (or lack thereof) and you’re teaching them they’re supposed to do ALL THE THINGS when they grow up.  

The unspoken messages of poor boundaries
Boundaries (and lack of boundaries) send key messages to the people around us.  It’s always been true that we teach people how to treat us.  Treating others the way we want to be treated doesn’t necessarily teach them how to treat us.  It teaches them what to expect from us.  This is because of the unspoken messages our boundaries (and lack of) send.  

When you make a choice or take an action, there are unspoken messages or signals you’re trying to send the people around you.  However, there are unspoken messages or signals attached to those choices and behaviors that are also sent that we would never intend to send.

Here are some examples:

Off the Clock Emails
Let’s say I’m checking my email after hours, and when I see an email come through at 11 pm, I respond to it right away.

In doing this, I’m trying to say “I’m committed and I’m on top of things.”  I think we can mostly be on board with this unspoken message.  

In doing this, I’m also saying “ my needs and my family aren’t important,” and “I’ll be available at all hours to succeed.”  If I’m a manager I may also be saying “you need to be available at all hours to succeed.”

Don’t Worry, I've Got It
Let’s say you’re picking up the slack for someone else (this could be at work or home).  It can be as simple as giving someone reminders for their work, and as complex as doing entire tasks or projects for them.  It’s one thing if this happens on the rare occasion of a perfect storm, but it’s something else when it becomes habitual.  

In doing this, I’m trying to say “I’m a team player,” or “The task just needs to get done.”  Again, I think we can mostly be on board with these unspoken messages.  When we do this consistently, we are also saying “you don’t have to be responsible for your work because I’ll be responsible for you.”  Oof.  

In work, we’re taking on project manager responsibilities by tracking where others are and ensuring they get their pieces done, or just doing it ourselves.  A common example at home is a teenager not cleaning their room.  Eventually it may get bad enough, and you get so frustrated that you just do it yourself.  The unspoken message here is that they don’t actually need to clean their room, they just need to out wait you.  Eventually you’ll get so annoyed you will do it yourself.  

Maintain an Even Strain
Another behavior we often see is avoiding conflict to keep the peace.  Many of us grew up in environments where effectively navigating conflict wasn’t modeled for us and it makes many people extremely uncomfortable.  

As a result, many of us learned to avoid conflict by downplaying our concerns and abandoning our requests to “keep the peace.”  In doing this, we are trying to say “I care about you/the group.”  

In doing this, I’m also saying “my needs don’t matter.”  If I’m abandoning my concerns to keep the peace, then my concerns must not be that important.  I’m also saying “you can push me around.”  If you know I hate conflict, you just have to make me uncomfortable enough, and I’ll back down.  ​

Where do we go from here?
Setting boundaries isn’t selfish.  It’s making intentional choices about how you spend your limited physical, mental, and emotional resources.  
We can’t control how others perceive us, and it’s not our responsibility to.  When we are more consistent in setting and holding healthy boundaries, we can take more ownership over the unspoken messages we send others in our behaviors.  This helps you teach others to treat you in a way that honors your ability to meet your own needs.  

References
Cole, T. (2021). Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free. Sounds True.
Eatough, E. (January 4, 2022). The invisible workload that drags women down. BetterUp.
Rodsky, E. (2019). Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live). Penguin Random House.

Learn more about boundaries by reading the rest of my series on boundaries!
Firm Foundations: Exploring Various Types of Personal Boundaries
Respecting Your Space: The Art of Boundary Communication
​
From Guilt to Grace: Navigating the weight of guilt in boundary setting.


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Firm Foundations: Exploring Various Types of Personal Boundaries

10/17/2023

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You’ve recognized that you need to set boundaries in your life.  You need to protect your physical, mental, and emotional resources so you can focus on the things that are most important (including you).

I’ve found it helpful to use Terri Cole’s visual of your side of the street versus their side of the street.  Your boundaries are protecting what’s on your side of the street.  They aren’t trying to control what’s on their side of the street.  For example, when trying to protect your off-hours, we may be tempted to set a boundary that sounds like “don’t email me after hours,” but that’s trying to control other people’s behavior and their side of the street.  A more effective boundary, that’s completely on your side of the street is “I don’t check my email off hours.”
​

Where do you start in setting boundaries?
I’ve found it helpful to give lots of examples of boundaries people have set.  These are starting points for you to borrow, modify, or give you ideas for where you can set boundaries to have the biggest impact on your life. 
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Photo Credit: Anne Nygård Unsplash
Respecting your time and space
You can set boundaries to protect your work hours and non-work hours.
  • I don’t check emails from 5pm to 8 am.
  • I sent this email during my normal working hours, please respond to it during your normal working hours.
  • Here is a SHORT list of acceptable reasons to call me while I’m at work
  • I have time-blocked my day and 2-4 pm I’m working on a high-focus project.  I’m available to meet at 1 or 4:15.  
  • While I’m on vacation, Susan will be available to help you.  
  • I need 24 hours notice of any meeting added to my schedule.

You can set boundaries to create buffers and transitions in your day.
  • I need 20 minutes when I get home to decompress, then I’d like to hear about your day.
  • I don’t schedule meetings on Mondays or on Friday afternoons.
  • I commit to a 50 minute meeting to protect transition time between meetings.

Respecting your priorities
You can set boundaries around the tasks you take on.
  • I can get this done by the end of next week.
  • If I add this task, what other task on my plate can I drop, delegate, or extend the deadline?
  • My role is X, it does not include reminding you to get your work done.  
  • I can see this task is urgent, but please explain to me the impact and importance of this task before I rearrange other items on my plate to get this done.  
  • When I get home, I’ll set a timer and only do what chores I can get done in that amount of time.  

Protecting your priorities is about protecting your ability to spend your limited bandwidth on the things that are most important and most impactful in your life.  Remember: 
Not everything needs to be done.
Not everything needs to be done by you.
Not everything needs to be done with an A+ effort
Not everything needs to be done by its original deadline.  ​
  • Can you get things off your plate by deciding they don't need to be done?
  • Is there someone (or something) else that can take on all or some of this task?  Get creative here.  It could be a service like meal delivery or grocery pickup, it could be a person in your house or work, it could be a tool like calendar reminders or using ChatGPT to rewrite an email.  
  • Try shooting for 80%.  Most people won’t notice a difference.  ​ 
  • Many things have manufactured urgency.  

​Respecting your mental and emotional bandwidth 
Your mental and emotional bandwidth are limited resources.  When we engage in invisible labor, we are spending more mental and emotional bandwidth that is strictly required to simply execute a task.  Most articles on invisible labor (emotional labor and mental load) focus on invisible work at home done by women in cisgender relationships, but many people can relate to the experience of engaging in invisible labor.  

The goal in setting boundaries to protect mental and emotional bandwidth is to minimize the additional invisible labor we engage in, and decrease the amount of frustration we may experience.
For additional resources on addressing and redistributing mental load and invisible labor, check out Fair Play by Eve Rodsky (available in book, audiobook, playing cards, and documentary).  
​

Boundaries to protect your mental and emotional bandwidth 
  • Tell me what you want to see when I turn this into you? 
  • What do you think I’m looking for when you turn this back into me?
    • These two examples decrease the frustration of going back and forth later because we weren’t clear in the beginning.  It also prevents us from doing extra work that wasn’t necessary, protecting our bandwidth for other priorities.  
  • Look in 5 places before you ask me to find what you’re looking for.
  • Are you looking for emotional support and validation or are you looking for help with solutions?
  • Set limits on where you’re engaging in inefficient overwork.  After you send an email, are you rereading it multiple times?  After you’ve made a decision, are you spending a lot of time second-guessing yourself?  Are you filling your time with busywork that’s not affecting the quality of the product?

In your journey towards establishing firm boundaries, remember that it's a process of self-care and self-respect. By prioritizing your well-being, you're better equipped to navigate life's challenges with resilience and grace.
What boundaries can you start setting now?


References
Cole, T. (2021). Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free. Sounds True.
Eatough, E. (January 4, 2022). The invisible workload that drags women down. BetterUp.
Rodsky, E. (2019). Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live). Penguin Random House.

Do you want to learn more about boundaries?  Check out my series on boundaries here:

The Silent Language: What Your Boundaries (or Lack Thereof) Say
Respecting Your Space: The Art of Boundary Communication
​From Guilt to Grace: Navigating the weight of guilt in boundary setting.
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Triage Your Self Care

12/9/2022

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You know you need to maintain your equipment so it functions properly and helps you get the job done, but here’s the thing; you are your most valuable piece of equipment.  You are your biggest asset.  To protect and maximize your ability to perform, to handle stress, to think critically, you must do things to maintain yourself, your wellness, and your performance.  

Self care, recovery, recharging, resetting are all terms to refer to ways you take care of yourself to maintain your performance, composure, energy, resilience, and bandwidth.  These are broad categories of strategies that can include anything from breathing exercises to binge watching tv to setting boundaries to exercise to massages to therapy to vacation time.  

Most of these are preventative maintenance strategies, the things you do on a regular basis to help you reset and recharge to meet the regular challenges you face; to maintain your resilience and wellness.  This can include eating healthy food, getting good sleep, having hobbies, going to therapy, regular meditation practice, exercise, etc. 

We use acute care strategies we use when we are sick.  We change our expectations for what we can get done, we use different resources.  We take cold medicine, prioritize rest, and perhaps seek medical care; we give ourselves permission to not go at full speed.  

We should also have acute care strategies for when we are stressed or overwhelmed, when our resilience is being tested.  In these situations, we often put our head down and try to keep expecting normal, high levels of performance, leading to higher stress and burnout and lower performance.  

To maintain the level of performance we want in our lives, to avoid burnout, to keep stress manageable, we need to preventative maintenance strategies AND acute care strategies.  And we need to know the right strategies to use based on what we are facing.  Triaging your self care is determining whether you need acute care or preventative maintenance.  

Triaging Your Self Care
Triage is a medical term used to assign degrees of urgency.  When you have multiple people needing care, you quickly assess each person and provide care to the most urgent injury first.   This is especially important when resources (time, bandwidth, supplies, people) are scarce. 

When you are ramped up, when you are depleted, when your focus or motivation is low, when you’ve had.a.day, when you’re not at your best, you need to prioritize strategies that you can do when your bandwidth is low.  Strategies that have the most impact and gain the most traction.   Acute care strategies.  

Signs You Need Acute Care Strategies
  • Your bandwidth is low
  • You’re getting diminishing returns for your efforts.  
  • You’re ramped up, fidgety, jittery, more easily irritated or upset
  • You’re feeling stuck
  • You’re depleted or low on spoons (energy)
  • You just finished responding to a difficult call
  • You just had a difficult encounter with someone
  • You just feel off.
  • You’re having trouble focusing 
  • You’re having trouble doing simple tasks (or just don’t want to)

Acute Care Plans
Acute care strategies are what help you the most in that moment.  These are the strategies that have the most impact with the least effort.  Knowing you need acute care strategies includes adjusting your expectations of yourself.  Think of it as combining turning your phone on power save mode and using a lightning cable.  Let’s explore ways we put ourselves on powersave mode:
​

Something is Better Than Nothing
When we’re overloaded or depleted, we may not have the time or energy to get the “full doses” of preventative maintenance strategies.  Micro doses are micro practices that may not have the same impact or desired results as full doses, but still move the needle on our wellness.  Something is better than nothing; maybe we want to do 20 minutes of meditation, but can only manage 2 minutes.  Two minutes of meditation is better than 0 minutes of meditation.  A 10 minute walk is better than no walk or run.  


Traction Takes Time
Little by little,
a little becomes a lot.

                           - Tanzanian Proverb
There are times you’re doing all the right things, and you’re still depleted.  You’re doing the acute care and maintaining what preventative maintenance care you can manage.  It just takes time to gain traction.  Some days you have further to climb than others–keep climbing, traction will come.    ​
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Change Your To Do List
Not everything on your to do list needs done. 
  • What can you eliminate?
Not everything on your to do list needs done by you.
  • What can you delegate or outsource?
Not everything on your to do list needs done by its original deadline.
  • What can you delay?
Not everything on your to do list needs done with an A+ effort.
  • What can handle a B or C effort?  This preserves your bandwidth for the things that truly need your A+ effort.  

Reassess “Done”
In How to Keep House While Drowning, KC Davis shares an analogy for looking at care tasks (chores, self care tasks, i.e. all the things that need done on a regular basis).  Each care task has a minimum level of done, which is based on what you need to function.  She describes this as the cake.  The cake for clean floors means there’s a clear path through the house that is free of debris and tripping hazards.  Then there’s a level of doneness that creates comfort, which she describes as the frosting.  The frosting for clean floors may be that there’s space play (so a large area of the floor is clear of debris, hazards, and dust.  Then there's a level of doneness that creates happiness or peace, this is the cherry.  The cherry for the floors may be all the floors are clean and mopped.  

If your bandwidth is low, you need to preserve and allocate it carefully.  This means changing what done looks like for the things on your to do list.  Do the minimum functional level for each item on your list.  Then reassess your bandwidth.  If you have bandwidth remaining, you can do the minimum level for some tasks you delayed, you can use that bandwidth to add frosting or cherries, or you can use that bandwidth to do other high yield recovery strategies.  


Giving Yourself Grace
If you know someone is struggling, you tend to work with them and reassess what they can do with their limited bandwidth.  We tend to not give ourselves the same grace.  Your best is a moving target.  Your best when you’re at 95% is much different than your best when you’re at 55%.  

If you’re sick and you’re at 55%, you adjust your expectations of yourself, and you use sick care strategies to help restore wellness.  If you’re not sick, but you’re overloaded; your bandwidth is at 55%, you need to adjust your expectations of yourself and what you can get done, and use acute care strategies to help restore your wellness, performance, and resilience.  Resilience isn’t about staying strong all the time.  It’s about prioritizing your energy for what's needed, and replenishing it when it’s low.  

When you’re doing everything you can in that moment, give yourself grace, and keep going.  Don’t give up or think you’re a failure because the strategies aren’t supercharging your batteries.  You may only be able to manage micro doses of recovery right now, because that’s all you have the bandwidth for, right now.  Something is better than nothing, and traction can take time.  Triage and prioritize acute care strategies until your bandwidth is restored.  


Resources
General Resources
https://www.ltolead.com/services.html
Minimum Effective Dose (MED) ​Self Care Videos

First Responder Resources
www.resiliencewod.com
https://1sthelp.org/resilience/
https://www.ltolead.com/first-responders.html 

Articles
  • Talking to First Responders about stress and burnout
  • Why culture is important in boosting resilience and preventing burnout in first responders
  • Keep your composure in 5 minutes or less
  • Daily Habits for Boosting Resilience in First Responders
  • What to Look for in a First Responder Resilience Training Program
  • A First Responder’s Guide to Dealing with Stress

Cybersecurity Resources
https://www.ltolead.com/cybersecurity.html 
Battling Burnout in Cybersecurity eBook

Articles
  • How to Take Care of Yourself When Things Go Wrong: Self-Care Tips When Dealing with a Cyber Attack
  • 8 Daily Practices to Avoid Cybersecurity Burnout
  • How leaders can help their cybersecurity employees avoid burnout
  • Eight Healthy Work Habits for Cybersecurity Employees
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Team Building: More than Laser Tag

7/13/2022

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While working as a civilian instructor for the US Army, I spent a lot of time developing and delivering team building training.  It was always a fun and an exciting challenge.  When I started my own business, I was surprised to find that many organizations don’t look to hire a consultant for team building events.  Most often, team building events become forced-fun game days with activities like laser tag, paint ball, and miniature golf. 

I think these activities have their place in the context of team development, but team building can be so much more than a fun way to spend an afternoon with colleagues.  Activity-based learning is more engaging and more memorable for adult learners.  Team building events, when done well, have the power to increase vulnerability and psychological safety by creating a safe entry to talk about challenges faced at work.  It also empowers the participants to wrestle with their own solutions. 

​I’ve seen team building activities go very well, and I’ve seen team building activities go very wrong.  Here are some considerations to help ensure yours goes well.  
Know why you’ve selected a particular activity
Some activities are just for fun, some are better for communication, some are better for problem solving, some are better for new teams, some are better for experienced teams.  There are activities and games that will be well suited to your team and situation, and some that will not.

Different activities create different challenges and frustrations that parallel challenges and frustrations your team may be experiencing.  Sometimes one activity can parallel different challenges and frustrations by changing specific variables.  If the goal is to help the team learn to work through some of those challenges and frustrations, select an activity that gives them practice. 
 
Consider a neutral third-party facilitator
There are a few benefits of bringing someone in to facilitate. 
If you’re a leader on the team, there’s both a power dynamic and past group experiences that influence how safe people feel fully participating.  You may be able to lead a fun activity, but your observations of the team are subject to your everyday biases, and it may be more difficult to create a safe environment for open sharing during a debrief conversation. 
​

Also, if you’re leading the activity, you aren’t participating in the activity.  You and your team will get more out of it if you are “in the thick of it” with them. 
Observe
If you have an outside facilitator leading the activity, then your responsibility is to fully participate (without giving away any trade secrets).  If you are facilitating the activity yourself, then you need to be a keen observer during the activity. 
​

Of course there is making sure the activity is flowing as intended, but a bigger reason to be a keen observer during the activity is to watch the dynamics of the team.  You can see how they work together, where they struggle, if anyone is taking charge, micromanaging, or becoming an obstacle to the team’s success. 

In each activity, there are predictable places where a team may get stuck or frustrated (the best activities are designed that way).  Watch for these happening, and watch for how the team navigates it.  It’s likely this will mirror how they handle similar challenges on a regular basis.  This also gives you things to talk about during the debrief when the activity is over. 
 
Debrief
This is where the magic happens.  This is also the biggest difference between team building activities that help a team learn and grow, and team building activities that are just forced fun.  This is where we find out what we learned about ourselves during the activity and what we will do differently in the future.

During the debrief, the facilitator can point out observations and ask questions of the team.  Sometimes debrief questions are very specific to the activity (because each activity highlights different challenges) and sometimes they are very specific to the group or observations. Sometimes they can be very generic question like:
  • What was hard?
  • Where did you get stuck?
  • How did you navigate that? 
  • How did this challenge/activity relate to what we experience in the workplace?

​A debrief can be an opportunity for some coaching, but it’s important for them to make their own connections.  The more the team makes connections themselves, the more impactful the learning will be.  Having an outside facilitator can help keep the debrief on track.   ​
Team building can be a very powerful tool.  Lecture based training doesn’t always hit the mark and is limited by our working memory.  We learn more through activities because it engages more parts of the brain, we connect with our past experiences, and we make new connections.  Team building can often provide a safer entry to talk about difficult topics.  Later, we can return to those topics in different settings by recalling the activity.  

Reach out for support in designing or facilitating your next team building event!
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Daily Habits for Boosting Resilience in First Responders

1/14/2022

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Resilience is the ability to leverage tools and resources to recover well and grow stronger from adversity.  You’re going to experience stress, adversity and trauma.  Resilience is about what you do after that experience to come back stronger, because everyone has a breaking point, and everyone can develop their skill sets in navigating stressful situations.  

Actively building resilience increases your bandwidth to weather it, to come back stronger, and to navigate the daily stressors and hassles of your life.  To build resilience, you want to work on protecting the physical, mental, and emotional bandwidth you have, then work on boosting it.  


Protect Your Bandwidth
Bandwidth is another way to describe your physical, mental and emotional energy reserves.  When these are high, you have a high ability to navigate challenging situations, stay sharp, and shift your focus and energy from situation to situation.  When your bandwidth is low, it’s harder to maintain focus and performance, it’s harder to shift between tasks, and day-to-day things take more effort than normal.  You don’t function well when your bandwidth is low (yes, you can push through, but at a high cost).  

Recognize Stress and Complete the Stress Cycle
As your body’s physiological stress levels increase, your bandwidth is taxed.  Your attentional field narrows, non-essential functions shut down, and energy is diverted to systems that can help you survive a threat.  Depending on the situation you’re in, this is actually really helpful.  Sometimes, however, this isn’t very helpful.  For example, the part of your brain that helps you communicate effectively shuts down, sometimes the energy mobilization is really uncomfortable (especially if you’re in a situation where you can’t move around).  

It’s helpful to recognize indicators that your stress level is rising and you might lose self-control or composure.  These are situations where you want to protect that energy bandwidth from being spent unnecessarily:
  • Feeling more irritable or impatient
  • Fidgety in arms or legs
  • Worry, rumination, or unhelpful increase in fear
  • Making simple mistakes
  • feeling helpless (thinking “there’s no point in trying”), hopeless (feeling things will never improve), or trapped (can’t get away from this crappy situation)
  • Feeling apathetic, numb or lacking motivation
  • Feeling disconnected from your thoughts or surroundings
  • Having trouble trusting your training

To help protect your bandwidth, you need to know how to turn down the dial on your stress systems (complete the stress cycle).  Completing the stress cycle is about signaling safety, clearing stress hormones, and restoring the body to homeostasis after it’s been activated. There are seven simple evidence-based methods for completing the stress cycle, but I find the first four are the most portable, easy to get on the fly, and appropriate in most professional settings:
  1. Move your body: walk, run, push, pull, throw, dance, stretch (uncompleted stress gets stored in your body)
  2. Breathe: slow your breathing and don’t hold your breath (tactical breathing is a great tool here)
  3. Have a positive interaction: engage in small talk, be nice to the barista or someone in the community (this signals safety)
  4. Laugh: have some deep belly laughs

The more you pay attention to your physical, mental, and emotional energy reserves (bandwidth), the more you can keep your batteries charged and ready for the next call.  

Connect with Your Values
Values are guiding principles that show everyone (including yourself) what’s important and where your priorities lie. Your values are what led you to make the choices to get into and stay in this field. 

If your life feels like it’s sucking the soul out of you, you are probably living in a way that doesn’t align with your values.  This is very draining.  If you can stay aligned with your values, you can protect your bandwidth for the tough situations you will face.  Additionally, staying true to your values at work prevents burnout, and working in an environment not aligned with your values increases stress. This is because values are a source of energy: one that allows you to handle stress, and have the confidence to set and maintain healthy boundaries; values help you protect your bandwidth.  

Read through this list of values and circle any that resonate with you. Now look at the list of values you’ve circled and eliminate all but the top ten. From that list of ten, select your top 2-5 values.  
Now, take these core values and define them into observable behaviors. For example, family becomes “I value providing for my family” or “I value spending quality time with my family.”
Finally, give yourself a grade on how well you live these values every day.  The higher the score, the more you’re protecting your bandwidth.  If you scored low, you’re probably facing a large energy drain each day.   If you scored lower than an "A", what choices can you make to embody them more fully? You can also look at your values daily and choose how they will show up in your life that day.  

Set Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are about indicating what is and isn’t acceptable for you.  It’s also recognizing what is on your side of the street (i.e. what is your problem to solve) and what isn’t.  You may be spending extra energy taking care of others, solving problems for them, being annoyed by them, complaining about them.  In these situations, and in any situation where you may be feeling resentful, setting boundaries can be really powerful.  Some boundaries may sound like:
  • Please find someone else to share this story with.
  • When I get home, I need 20 minutes to unwind and decompress before I can join the family and interact.
  • This is the (short) list of acceptable reasons to contact me off-hours.  Anything else can wait until I’m on duty.  
  • That sounds like a tough situation for you, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

You can also set boundaries with yourself about what you will and won’t do.  For example, being irritated with someone else’s choices, when they don’t impact you, is a drain on your energy.  Thinking about people and how they reacted during a situation when you can’t change anything allows them and that situation to live rent free in your head.  Thinking about work when you’re not at work allows work to consume more of you than it truly requires.  This is easier said than done, but you can make different choices around how you spend your time, energy, and thoughts, thus protecting your bandwidth. 

dispatcher maintaining resilience
Boost Your Bandwidth
The first step in boosting your bandwidth is protecting it from the factors that drain it.  The second step is to actively build your physical, mental and emotional energy reserves.  

Breathe
Breathing is a great way to control your physiology when things get ramped up.  Breathing is also a great way to complete the stress cycle and boost your energy reserves.  To get these benefits, you have to practice regularly.  Practice it in stressful situations, practice it in relaxed situations, practice it in dull situations, practice when you’re trying to sleep; the more you practice, the more powerful the benefits will be when you need them.   

There are a lot of effective breathing strategies out there, and the most common one used by first responders is Tactical Breathing (sometimes called box breathing or square breathing).  Sit or stand up tall, roll your shoulders back and take deep breaths that expand your belly.  Inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts and hold for four counts.  Each cycle of inhale, hold, exhale, hold is one round of breathing,  Do six rounds (about two minutes).  Do this a few times a day.  (If you don’t like this one, check out these other breathing strategies like the three part breath, 2:1 breathing or rhythmic (cadence) breathing.)

Move your Body
Movement and exercise improve circulation, cardiovascular health, brain functioning, stress tolerance, and just about any psychological and physiological marker you have.  Getting regular movement throughout the day is critical to your overall physical, mental, and emotional health.  Depending on which profession you’re in, you may get a lot of movement throughout the day already, or your role may be more sedentary.  Getting movement like walking, running, yoga and weight lifting can tremendously boost your energy reserves (bandwidth).

Another reason to move your body regularly is it helps clear stress hormones from your body (think how a good workout feels after a really hard day).  When you don’t complete the stress cycle, excess stress gets stored in your muscles and joints as stiffness, pain, inflammation, and soreness.  

Boost Positive Emotions
Positive emotions are really powerful tools and they serve a greater purpose than just balancing out negative emotions.  Positive emotions broaden your attention, creative thinking and problem solving, and reset your physiology back to baseline.  They also build your physical, mental and emotional energy reserves.  

Boost positive emotions by thinking of something you’re grateful for, something that makes you laugh, or something you’re excited about and looking forward to.  These act as booster shots to boost your bandwidth to help you deal with tough situations later.  


When you think about resilience as your bandwidth to handle adversity and come back stronger, it’s clear that you need to make choices that protect your limited bandwidth and do things that boost your bandwidth in the moment and over time. 


Learn More
Training App: Resilience WODs for First Responders

eBook: First Responder Resilience eBook

Blog post: A First Responder's Guide to Dealing With Stress

​

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