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When talking about boundaries, I’m often asked how to avoid feeling guilty for setting boundaries. Unfortunately the answer is you can’t. When we set boundaries, we are most likely going to feel guilt. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t set healthy boundaries; it means we need to learn to get comfortable navigating the experience of guilt. Photo Credit: Ryan Moreno Why Do We Need to Set Boundaries? Healthy boundaries are essential to a balanced and productive life. Boundaries protect your physical, mental, and emotional resources from being drained by others and circumstances, which allows you to spend those resources in ways more aligned with your priorities. When we struggle to set boundaries, we often feel drained, resentful, and unappreciated for all the (often invisible) effort we put in. Often, we avoid setting boundaries because it makes us feel selfish or guilty. Like we are bad people for having needs. We were raised (in family systems and in society) to believe we need to give our all, all of the time, to everyone and everything else. This leads us to experience a lot of negative emotions when we try to start setting healthy boundaries in our lives. We can’t avoid that experience. We need to learn to get more comfortable with that. Choose your hard: learn to weather the negative emotions of guilt and shame we experience by setting and holding healthy boundaries, or continue to weather the negative emotions of exhaustion and resentment by not setting and holding healthy boundaries. Let’s explore how to navigate the negative emotional experience of setting boundaries. First, name what you’re feeling. Are we experiencing Guilt or Shame? We feel shame when we feel unworthy or that we didn't measure up. The focus is on us as a human, parent, employee, friend, etc. We attribute flaws to ourselves as a human rather than to the behavior we engaged in.
We feel guilt when we do something bad. The focus is on the behavior, and the resulting discomfort encourages us to atone, make amends, and do better in the future.
With shame, we feel bad, and there’s nothing we can do about it (if the problem is you’re a bad ____, it’s not really fixable). WIth guilt, we feel bad, and there’s something we can do about it (we made a mistake and can choose differently next time). Navigating Shame We tend to experience shame more when we have perfectionist tendencies that are driven by what others think about us or how we measure up. Oftentimes when we feel guilty for setting healthy boundaries, we may actually be experiencing shame. Pay attention to the way you’re talking to yourself and describing the situation.
Navigating Guilt First off, you’re not doing anything wrong by needing healthy boundaries and advocating for yourself to set and hold them. When you hold boundaries, you are saying your needs matter as much as their needs. You don’t need to apologize for having needs and setting boundaries to protect your physical, mental, and emotional resources. Unpack Guilt
Weathering the Feels
Navigating the complex terrain of guilt in boundary-setting is an essential aspect of maintaining a balanced and fulfilling life. It's crucial to understand that feeling guilty when setting boundaries is a natural response, and it doesn't diminish the importance of establishing healthy limits. Instead, it highlights the need to become comfortable with this experience. References Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. Random House. Cole, T. (2021). Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free. Sounds True. Fosslien, L. (2022). Big Feelings. Penguin Life. McLaren, K. (2013). The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You. Sounds True. Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. Ballantine Books. Tawwab, N. (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. TarcherPerigee. Check out my the rest of the posts in my series on Boundaries
Firm Foundations: Exploring Various Types of Personal Boundaries The Silent Language: What Your Boundaries (or Lack Thereof) Say Respecting Your Space: The Art of Boundary Communication
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Setting boundaries is hard. Communicating boundaries is hard. Holding boundaries is hard. Let’s explore how to feel more skilled at navigating the hard. Photo Credit: Therdman Actions Speak Louder Than Words Some boundaries need to be explicitly communicated with others. Some don’t. If you’re going to start making yourself unavailable after work hours, just start making yourself unavailable after work hours. Stop checking your emails, silence or disable notifications, delete apps. If you're going to start only doing the care tasks that you have the bandwidth for, just start doing the care tasks you have bandwidth for. If you’re going to start shooting for 80-90% effort rather than 100+% effort, just start working at 80-90% effort. If you’re going to start taking time away from your workstation for lunch, just start getting away from your workstation for lunch. It’s entirely possible others won’t notice the change, but you’ll start to feel the difference from protecting your bandwidth. Keep it Simple When communicating your boundary, you don’t need to justify yourself. You don’t need the other person to understand all the things that led up to you needing to set this boundary (I get that it feels like you do, but you don’t).
Graceful Refusals: Navigating the 'No' Part of boundary setting is really paying attention to what you say yes to and what you say no to. No is a muscle that has atrophied in many of us, but it’s still there and we can strengthen it again. Here are some exercises to strengthen your “No” muscle. 1. Pause.
Holding the line: Protecting Your Boundaries A fact of human nature and boundaries is that we are going to test boundaries. It’s important to remember when we set boundaries that they are going to be tested. It’s helpful to remember this isn’t usually malicious, and often it’s not even intentional. We are used to behaving in certain ways and it’s hard to break those patterns. It is your responsibility to set your boundaries and it’s your responsibility to reinforce and uphold your boundaries. Consistency is Key Some boundaries may be rigid boundaries; there is no flex. An example of a rigid boundary with a toddler is “it’s okay for you to be upset, it’s not okay for you to hit me when you’re upset.” Some boundaries may be flexible. There is a reasonable amount of flex based on specific circumstances. This flexibility should be determined ahead of time. An example of a flexible boundary may be “I won’t be checking my email and am unavailable for any work related concerns while on vacation. Unless it is X or Y, then call me.” For this example, you are predetermining a SHORT list of acceptable reasons to contact you on vacation, and sharing the acceptable method of contacting you regarding that issue. What we don’t want are porous boundaries. Porous boundaries are boundaries we set but don’t consistently hold. For example, let’s say you’ve shared with a colleague that you won’t want to hear them joke about certain topics. Then they do it again, and you don’t say anything. They do it again, and you leave the room. They do it again, and you are so frustrated you blow up at them. Then they do it again, and you don’t say anything. In this example, you set a boundary, but weren’t consistent in how you responded when the boundary was violated. When you set porous boundaries, you are sending the message that your boundary isn’t really important, and neither are your concerns and needs. Natural and Logical Consequences When we don’t set boundaries, or have porous boundaries, we are protecting people from feeling the consequences of their own actions. Also, when we start to set boundaries, we may be tempted to manufacture consequences or punishments (you didn’t do what I told you to do, so now you can’t go out with your friends). Natural and logical consequences are the best options for growth and learning. When you’ve set a boundary around how you want to be spoken to during a discussion and they continue to yell and escalate: “I’ll come back to the room when you’re ready to talk about this calmly.” When you’ve asked for direction on how to redistribute the tasks on your plate and received no guidance: make a judgment call on what can be done on a different day and what can be done to a different standard. Mastering the art of boundary communication is an integral part of nurturing a healthy and balanced life. While it may seem challenging, it's important to recognize that setting, communicating, and upholding boundaries are skills that can be developed over time. Actions often speak louder than words when it comes to boundary-setting. Sometimes, implementing the change you desire is as simple as making a conscious shift in your behavior. Whether it's reclaiming your after-work hours or focusing on tasks that align with your bandwidth, taking action empowers you to protect your precious resources. References Cole, T. (2021). Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free. Sounds True. Davis, K.C. (2022). How to Keep House While Drowning. Simon Element. McKeown, G. (2014). Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. Crown Business. Tawwab, N. (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. TarcherPerigee. Want more on boundaries? Read the rest of the articles in my series on boundaries.
Firm Foundations: Exploring Various Types of Personal Boundaries The Silent Language: What Your Boundaries (or Lack Thereof) Say From Guilt to Grace: Navigating the weight of guilt in boundary setting.
Who benefits from your lack of boundaries? We can set firm, flexible, and healthy boundaries. We can set no boundaries. We can also set porous boundaries. This is when we try to set a limit but don't hold or enforce it consistently. Think of any time you’ve tried to impose a new rule for kids to follow. If you don’t stay consistent in enforcing that rule, they learn it’s not really a rule. “Who benefits from your lack of boundaries” is a tricky question. At first, it seems like the answer is EVERYONE ELSE. Everyone in your life is benefitting from you not holding healthy boundaries. Your employer, your team members, your families. But when you dig deeper, it’s really not clear. On the surface, you may feel you’re benefiting by not having to “do the hard thing,” but then you’re suffering from burnout and exhaustion and resentment. This is harder and lasts longer. You may feel your workplace is benefitting because you’re doing the work of many people, but then you’re burning out which lowers productivity and negatively affects the bottom line. You may feel your families are benefitting because you’re taking care of so much and they don’t have to, but they’re missing out on an actual connection with you. You’re exhausted and resentful, and your needs aren’t getting met, but you keep trying to pour from an empty cup. You’re shielding them from the consequences of their own behaviors (or lack thereof) and you’re teaching them they’re supposed to do ALL THE THINGS when they grow up. The unspoken messages of poor boundaries Boundaries (and lack of boundaries) send key messages to the people around us. It’s always been true that we teach people how to treat us. Treating others the way we want to be treated doesn’t necessarily teach them how to treat us. It teaches them what to expect from us. This is because of the unspoken messages our boundaries (and lack of) send. When you make a choice or take an action, there are unspoken messages or signals you’re trying to send the people around you. However, there are unspoken messages or signals attached to those choices and behaviors that are also sent that we would never intend to send. Here are some examples: Off the Clock Emails Let’s say I’m checking my email after hours, and when I see an email come through at 11 pm, I respond to it right away. In doing this, I’m trying to say “I’m committed and I’m on top of things.” I think we can mostly be on board with this unspoken message. In doing this, I’m also saying “ my needs and my family aren’t important,” and “I’ll be available at all hours to succeed.” If I’m a manager I may also be saying “you need to be available at all hours to succeed.” Don’t Worry, I've Got It Let’s say you’re picking up the slack for someone else (this could be at work or home). It can be as simple as giving someone reminders for their work, and as complex as doing entire tasks or projects for them. It’s one thing if this happens on the rare occasion of a perfect storm, but it’s something else when it becomes habitual. In doing this, I’m trying to say “I’m a team player,” or “The task just needs to get done.” Again, I think we can mostly be on board with these unspoken messages. When we do this consistently, we are also saying “you don’t have to be responsible for your work because I’ll be responsible for you.” Oof. In work, we’re taking on project manager responsibilities by tracking where others are and ensuring they get their pieces done, or just doing it ourselves. A common example at home is a teenager not cleaning their room. Eventually it may get bad enough, and you get so frustrated that you just do it yourself. The unspoken message here is that they don’t actually need to clean their room, they just need to out wait you. Eventually you’ll get so annoyed you will do it yourself. Maintain an Even Strain Another behavior we often see is avoiding conflict to keep the peace. Many of us grew up in environments where effectively navigating conflict wasn’t modeled for us and it makes many people extremely uncomfortable. As a result, many of us learned to avoid conflict by downplaying our concerns and abandoning our requests to “keep the peace.” In doing this, we are trying to say “I care about you/the group.” In doing this, I’m also saying “my needs don’t matter.” If I’m abandoning my concerns to keep the peace, then my concerns must not be that important. I’m also saying “you can push me around.” If you know I hate conflict, you just have to make me uncomfortable enough, and I’ll back down. Where do we go from here? Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s making intentional choices about how you spend your limited physical, mental, and emotional resources. We can’t control how others perceive us, and it’s not our responsibility to. When we are more consistent in setting and holding healthy boundaries, we can take more ownership over the unspoken messages we send others in our behaviors. This helps you teach others to treat you in a way that honors your ability to meet your own needs. References Cole, T. (2021). Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free. Sounds True. Eatough, E. (January 4, 2022). The invisible workload that drags women down. BetterUp. Rodsky, E. (2019). Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live). Penguin Random House. Learn more about boundaries by reading the rest of my series on boundaries!
Firm Foundations: Exploring Various Types of Personal Boundaries Respecting Your Space: The Art of Boundary Communication From Guilt to Grace: Navigating the weight of guilt in boundary setting.
Respecting your time and space You can set boundaries to protect your work hours and non-work hours.
You can set boundaries to create buffers and transitions in your day.
Respecting your priorities You can set boundaries around the tasks you take on.
Protecting your priorities is about protecting your ability to spend your limited bandwidth on the things that are most important and most impactful in your life. Remember: Not everything needs to be done.
Respecting your mental and emotional bandwidth Your mental and emotional bandwidth are limited resources. When we engage in invisible labor, we are spending more mental and emotional bandwidth that is strictly required to simply execute a task. Most articles on invisible labor (emotional labor and mental load) focus on invisible work at home done by women in cisgender relationships, but many people can relate to the experience of engaging in invisible labor. The goal in setting boundaries to protect mental and emotional bandwidth is to minimize the additional invisible labor we engage in, and decrease the amount of frustration we may experience. For additional resources on addressing and redistributing mental load and invisible labor, check out Fair Play by Eve Rodsky (available in book, audiobook, playing cards, and documentary). Boundaries to protect your mental and emotional bandwidth
In your journey towards establishing firm boundaries, remember that it's a process of self-care and self-respect. By prioritizing your well-being, you're better equipped to navigate life's challenges with resilience and grace. What boundaries can you start setting now? References Cole, T. (2021). Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free. Sounds True. Eatough, E. (January 4, 2022). The invisible workload that drags women down. BetterUp. Rodsky, E. (2019). Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live). Penguin Random House. Do you want to learn more about boundaries? Check out my series on boundaries here:
The Silent Language: What Your Boundaries (or Lack Thereof) Say Respecting Your Space: The Art of Boundary Communication From Guilt to Grace: Navigating the weight of guilt in boundary setting. |
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