From Guilt to Grace: Navigating the weight of guilt in boundary setting.

When talking about boundaries, I’m often asked how to avoid feeling guilty for setting boundaries.  Unfortunately the answer is you can’t.  When we set boundaries, we are most likely going to feel guilt.  That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t set healthy boundaries; it means we need to learn to get comfortable navigating the experience of guilt.  ​

Photo Credit: Ryan Moreno

Why Do We Need to Set Boundaries? 
Healthy boundaries are essential to a balanced and productive life.  Boundaries protect your physical, mental, and emotional resources from being drained by others and circumstances, which allows you to spend those resources in ways more aligned with your priorities.  When we struggle to set boundaries, we often feel drained, resentful, and unappreciated for all the (often invisible) effort we put in.  

Often, we avoid setting boundaries because it makes us feel selfish or guilty.  Like we are bad people for having needs.  We were raised (in family systems and in society) to believe we need to give our all, all of the time, to everyone and everything else.  This leads us to experience a lot of negative emotions when we try to start setting healthy boundaries in our lives.  We can’t avoid that experience.  We need to learn to get more comfortable with that.  

Choose your hard: learn to weather the negative emotions of guilt and shame we experience by setting and holding healthy boundaries, or continue to weather the negative emotions of exhaustion and resentment by not setting and holding healthy boundaries.  

Let’s explore how to navigate the negative emotional experience of setting boundaries.  First, name what you’re feeling.  

Are we experiencing Guilt or Shame?
We feel shame when we feel unworthy or that we didn't measure up.  The focus is on us as a human, parent, employee, friend, etc.  We attribute flaws to ourselves as a human rather than to the behavior we engaged in.  

• I’m a bad ________ because ____________
• I’m a bad mom if I don’t
• I’m a bad partner if
• I’m a bad employee if

We feel guilt when we do something bad.  The focus is on the behavior, and the resulting discomfort encourages us to atone, make amends, and do better in the future.

• I hurt their feelings when I said this.  I can apologize and make amends. 
• I need to spend more time with my family, but I also need sleep.  I can plan for ways to spend more quality time with my family.
• I really dropped the ball on this project.  I’ve been having a hard time lately.  I can talk to my team and ask for support.  

With shame, we feel bad, and there’s nothing we can do about it (if the problem is you’re a bad ____, it’s not really fixable).  WIth guilt, we feel bad, and there’s something we can do about it (we made a mistake and can choose differently next time).  

Navigating Shame
We tend to experience shame more when we have perfectionist tendencies that are driven by what others think about us or how we measure up.  

Oftentimes when we feel guilty for setting healthy boundaries, we may actually be experiencing shame.  Pay attention to the way you’re talking to yourself and describing the situation.  

• Recognize when you’re feeling shame
• Reality check the expectations driving your shame.  Are those expectations actually reasonable or attainable?  Were they clearly discussed and established or are they based on assumptions?
• Reach out to trusted friends.  
• Speak up and advocate for what you need (speak your boundaries)

Navigating Guilt
First off, you’re not doing anything wrong by needing healthy boundaries and advocating for yourself to set and hold them.  When you hold boundaries, you are saying your needs matter as much as their needs.  You don’t need to apologize for having needs and setting boundaries to protect your physical, mental, and emotional resources.  

Unpack Guilt

• Who has been hurt?  Does anything need to be made right?  Accept responsibility for choices you made and take ownership for reasonable expectations you have control over.  

Weathering the Feels

1. Name what you’re feeling.  
2. Your emotions are your side of the street (your responsibility to manage).  Their emotions are their side of the street (their responsibility to manage).  
3. Emotions don’t last as long as we think they will.  Ride the wave.
4. Create space to process the emotion.  Journal, doodle, color, go for a walk.  
5. Create space for the emotion and complete the stress cycle (this allows your body to process the physiological energy and intesity of the emotion)
   1. Move your body (walk or dance)
   2. Breathe
   3. Laugh
   4. Cry
   5. Physical affection
   6. Positive interaction
   7. Creativity (doodle, journal, etc)

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Navigating the complex terrain of guilt in boundary-setting is an essential aspect of maintaining a balanced and fulfilling life. It's crucial to understand that feeling guilty when setting boundaries is a natural response, and it doesn't diminish the importance of establishing healthy limits. Instead, it highlights the need to become comfortable with this experience.

​References
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. Random House.
Cole, T. (2021). Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free. Sounds True.
Fosslien, L. (2022). Big Feelings. Penguin Life.
McLaren, K. (2013). The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You. Sounds True.
Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. Ballantine Books.
Tawwab, N. (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. TarcherPerigee.

Check out my the rest of the posts in my series on Boundaries

Firm Foundations: Exploring Various Types of Personal Boundaries
The Silent Language: What Your Boundaries (or Lack Thereof) Say​
​Respecting Your Space: The Art of Boundary Communication